Running Retirement
Sophomore year of high school travel basketball
Like many Americans, I stumbled into running. I grew up in a sports culture with MLB and NBA aspirations. My high school specs: 6'1, 140lbs, 21.5inch vertical, 74 mph fastball, and 18% field goal percentage; I knew I could make it. After all, Southern Vermont is a hotbed for homegrown basketball, baseball, and football talent.
Fast forward life’s delicacies: little league dads that drive an indefinite stakes through their father-son relationships, basketball parents that hate every coach/ref/player no matter the generosity, record, or technical knowledge, or coaches that decide their small town authoritarian style isn't to be respected by even the parents who work full time and wait a hour past the allotted practice time.
*Vermont high school athletics - other than specialty sports (XC Skiing, Ski Jumping, etc) is a bottom state for athletic depth. Vermont has the second smallest population in America. I should add that I am optimistic. I am so lucky to have grown up in Southern Vermont. Small towns have a lot to offer. Life is beautiful, fortuitous in thought, serendipitous in action, from a contextually accidentally inappropriately placed word in the midst of a peroration, to a Southwest Airlines complimentary soda and snack mix, to a partly cloudy rainy day at an amusement park.*
Maybe the roots of my running career trace back to my dads two week high school cross country career, my elementary school pacer run records, middle school summer manhunt games, or high school shenanigans. The unorthodox formative years for a runner?
—--------------
10 years ago...wow...simply trying to conceptualize the next 10 years of life at age 16 was incomprehensible. I despise the phrase “fast forward.” Contrary to Hollywood and American reliance on the uncertain certainty that is watching Friends 78 times, much of our existence is the fast forward moments - one misses what one most dreaded, one seeks what one used to to speak out against, and one does what one didn’t know existed.
Let’s zoom in on a space in my life with limited sports context:
2012 Cross Country Race with teammate Collin
May, 2013. Almost 16 years old. My sophomore year of high school. I ran cross country in the fall, played basketball in the winter, and ran a few indoor track races in the winter. I was aiming to play baseball, travel basketball, and maybe run a few track races. I broke my wrist in a basketball game in early May. A 16 year old in the midst of baseball season, on the verge of summer vacation: devastating.
Jamie won the triple at the Vermont D3 State Meet in 2013: 1500m, 800m, and 3000m. Sharing that joy with Jamie, Tim who finished 4th in that race, and many more was special.
My brother, Jamie, convinced me to train for the last 6 weeks of the track season. In Vermont our school year and season went till mid June. Jamie had dove into the running world as a freshman. Similar to me in athletic stature, I was shocked at the time because I had a limited scope of “good.” He is a year ahead of me in school and was coming off of a D3 state cross title, an all state 1600m title (Vermont switched to 1500/3000 the next year), and different freedoms. With a cast on, I started racing and training more. At the D3 state meet, I shimmied around the track to a 4:22 1500m, 3rd place, a new passion, and freedom: from the constraints of small town politics.
Above features photos from my high school career. Took me till college to remove the dreaded tights under the racing shorts! Below are photos mainly from last few years at UCCS. I loved my time at UCCS. I do not speak about it much in this post because of simplicities sake. It could add another 100 pages.
—------------
Ten years later…
May 6th, 2023: Occidental Invite 5k. Time: 14:36. Place: Don’t Know. Haven’t checked the results yet. Weather and situation: basically perfect.
Three weeks ago I ran a 5k in 14:03 at the Bryan Clay Invite. In April of 2022, I ran 14:02 at Bryan Clay. I cannot really pinpoint the pretzel of emotions. 14:36 is a tough way to end it but I am satisfied in some ways. I hit the 3200m in 8:58 and then really blew up. I promised myself I would go for a big socially defined running barrier, a sub 14 minute 5k. In both races when I ran 14:02 and 14:03, I went out a little slow for the average pace - about 9:06 at the 3200m before closing fast.
Expectations are the motivator and deterrent alike. Five years ago, after readjusting my teenage unrealistic running goals, a low 14 minute 5k would’ve been out of this world. After running 14:03 this year, I was sorta bummed. We have this subconscious expectation of how we will finish with some awe-inspiring exit, which molds to our current level.
The runners' grand finale: years/decades of training buildup, a huge crowd full of loved ones, a perfectly executed race, besting known elite competition, a blistering time, an afterparty, and then an contradictory running future where somehow the results get better even if that was the last race.
2022 Turkey Trot in Fort Collins
Even if I had run 13:57, it would not have been monumental in social desires. The personal validation would’ve been more prominent but I wonder how it would feel typing this now? Would I be craving 13:49? I bet the greatest runners to ever live experience this. The end of Bekele’s career will be mediocre for his standards - a string of dropouts and subpar results. His world records were taken by tiny margins, with the help of new shoe technology, by Joshua Cheptegei. Eventually someone will take Cheptegei’s 5k world record and he may wish he could’ve run 3 seconds faster. Some forms of personal validation are based on social validation. It is hard for any athlete to not have wished for more…Maybe that’s the beauty in it.
I will share more details about the race and training specs in another post*
Photos competing for Elmwood Athletics after college. Long ago, I accepted that I was not going to make money running. I kept at it for the love of the sport, pursuit of physical limitations, coaching knowledge, and community/experiences.
—————-
Reasons for retiring include:
Not enjoying training and racing that much for the past 1-2 years. Even in some races, I have adapted a ‘can’t wait till this is over mindset’ whereas it used to be exciting.
Endless solo workouts.
Serious time, energy, and financial commitment while always feeling like it is pulling from other things I want to pursue such as earning more, having more energy for people, coaching without the stress of my own training, and settling into a more stable work environment.
Diminishing level of improvement. I had a great 5 years of consistent, disciplined, diligent, different training. I experimented with so much. It will take a lot of training for me to get a little better as it has for the past year. This build more on #3 also.
Desire to pursue other physical activities without the constraints of a race/training around the corner for 10-11 months of the year.
Impossible not to compare it to how enjoyable it was in high school, college, first year(s) out of college.
Race Access. Living in Colorado, it takes so much just to get to a decent sea level attempt.
Fewer training partners/facilities
Not very interested in training for the roads or trails at the moment.
I don’t really know how to phrase or label this. I lost my oldest brother, Dan, when I was in 6th grade. He died of an accidental overdose in Hawaii at the age of 29. He was kind-hearted, charismatic, and easy going. He struggled with depression. At the age of 11, I had probably begun looking for outlets to deal with the trauma, the trauma that someone so seemingly joyful could be so unhappy…In April of my senior year of high school, I lost my older sister, Anne. She was 29 years old. Anne was a loving mother, sister, and beautiful person. She was hit by a car while standing outside an ice cream shop, moments after my nephew walked back inside. They were driving back from Easter at my family's house. The night she was hit by the car, the doctors said she broke her pelvis, had a long recovery ahead, but would be okay long term. She even messaged me that night. The next night she had a blood clot and had no chance to survive. She left behind 3 kids. Tragic death drills an unfillable hole into your heart. When I really discovered running my junior year, I found the act of floating through nature, pushing oneself, and suffering for a ‘cause’ was a way to deal with the trauma (in addition to how much I enjoyed the sport to begin with). When my sister passed, I relied on running heavily. Not just training and racing but a distraction from the pain, attempts to feel something, or my way of honoring Anne and Dan. I think I’ve felt less connected to my siblings through running recently because I haven’t found as much purpose in running for the past year or two, not that this makes logical sense…Death changes us.
My four nieces/nephews and beautiful girlfriend, Marah
It’s not really about the last race, one race, or any race. It’s the conclusion of a time in life that led me to so many people, places, and moments. While my identity is not running, running has been a spontaneous navigator, outlet, and joyful pursuit for the past 10 years. This is the end of a source that instantly provided community, personal and social validation, excitement, things to talk about, highs and lows, a pursuit of pushing my own limits; It’s the conclusion of a youthful passion, a splash of color in a 1950’s sitcom. It’s the acceptance that these finite periods in my life are not infinite. At 18, I thought I would love training for personal bests until I was 40. At 22, I couldn’t wait to vamp up the training from college, no matter how busy I was. Even at 24, I thought I would continue chasing this for 10 more years. Moments in life are scarce and fleeting. Life situations change the meaning or purpose of something. I have thought about this a lot but I feel like I am making a sound decision.
—--------------
Estimates for the past ten years: 25,000 miles, 300 races, 1000 workouts, 250 training partners, low cholesterol, middle school cross country→ high school → college → four years post college.
My running retirement is a retirement from training intensely and disciplined with the aim to run personal bests. It may be for 6 months, 2 years, forever: not sure. I love being active, playing sports, fitness, and pursuing something. I deeply respect people that keep pursuing the sport. I love the sport and coaching it. I want to continue chasing collegiate coaching, following running, and general involvement. I am planning to retire from training but I phrase it this way because, like all humans, in some period of time, my thought process and life situation may change. Excited for what’s next.
I look back on the last 10 years with immense appreciation and joy. The people, experiences, travel, moral framework, philosophical curiosity, purpose, education, and willingness to dedicate myself to something will stick with me forever.
My Future Running Career?
Thank you to the hundreds of the people involved in this incredible experience. I am so lucky to be a part of your lives.
