Life Through a TV Screen
Fellow Elmwooders and I after the 2019 San Jose Rock n’ Roll Marathon
When runners get injuries, there tends to be a loss of identity that comes with it. A spark that dims as a void of uncertainty is created.
For days, weeks, months, even years, an injured runner can go about their daily life, attending to the basic tasks necessary to function in society, yet never quite feeling like they are truly living. It is as if one is watching life happen through a TV screen; a mimicry of life that is never quite as fulfilling or multidimensional as the real thing.
This ongoing series will be dedicated to the runners out there struggling with chronic injuries; to the runners who wonder if they’ll ever get healthy again, if they can make a comeback from their injury or if it’s time to hang up the trainers.
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I suppose a self-introduction is in order: I grew up in the Bay Area of Northern California, but chose to move out to Colorado for college to pursue my competitive running goals and academic goals of getting into physical therapy school. I had first met Brian Marshall, Jarrett Eller, Ryan Doner and Willie Moore through running with them as teammates in college in a time when Elmwood Athletics had yet to be born.
Ripping some K’s in Iten, Kenya
My final year of collegiate racing was filled with many disappointments, and still I found myself not quite ready yet to give up competitive racing. After college life pulled me away from Colorado, and I returned to the Bay Area for physical therapy school in San Francisco. The change of scenery was much needed at the time, and I found myself enjoying a new chapter of success with running and training competitively. Much of the training was run alone to accommodate for my school schedule however, and at times I found myself missing fellow runners to train with.
Throughout my running career, I’ve sustained more injuries than I bother counting. Some were through overtraining, others had unknown reasons. Each one came with lessons learned, and I would apply those lessons in an effort to keep myself healthy.
The time from May 2017 – November 2019 was the overall healthiest I had ever been in my running career. Other than a few minor injuries, nothing that significantly derailed my running or kept me from reaching the goals I had set.
In November 2019, I sustained a back injury during a training session. I did not know it at the time, but this specific injury would profoundly impact not only my competitive running fitness, but my overall daily life.
At first, I had pain but I could still train at my normal volume and make adjustments accordingly. As the weeks went by, this particular injury slowly but surely worsened. The mental energy spent on managing the pain while going through my daily activities increased by the week.
Finishline of my post collegiate win at Bay to Bridge
At the beginning of 2020, I toed the line for a 15k race. I ran a PR, and finished in the top 5. I still had pain from the same injury, but it was still somewhat manageable. It was a good day.
A couple weeks later, I found myself having to abort workouts and take extra rest days just to manage my pain, and made the decision to stop training temporarily in order to attempt to self-treat my injury. At this point, I was struggling to get out of bed and walk down the hall to get ready for the day, as massive amounts of pain would shoot down the back of my thigh.
There is never really a good time to get injured as a competitive runner. There are only bad times, really bad times, and really, really bad times. Sustaining a back injury with concurrent radicular pain that has become persistent just months before a global pandemic would probably rank closer to the really, really bad timing end of the scale. Mitigating risk of infection from COVID-19 meant delaying non-operative treatment and spending time attempting to self-treat with limited success.
Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic in March 2020 running has been a rollercoaster. There were a few periods interspersed where I was able to sustain consistent training, but only for a few weeks before my body would shut down on me from the cumulative pain and life stress. Post-professional residency training especially took a toll on me physically and mentally, and I found myself developing new symptoms in July 2021 (symptoms that are likely related to my initial injury.)
Even as running stalls out, life continues to move forward. It does not wait for you to get healthy. It just proceeds along steadily, impartial to any single person’s struggles or successes.
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An unworn Elmwood kit. I’ve been injured so long that I’ve yet to debut in an Elmwood singlet. If all goes right, I’ll finally be able to rep the club at the Silicon Valley Turkey trot in November.
The last time I ran for longer than 10 minutes was August 2021. Since then, running has been nonexistent. Cross-training has been non-existent. Exercise in general has been mostly non-existent. My current state of combined back and hip pain along with concurrent loss of sensation in my leg makes even gentle walks around a single block a struggle. Most of my days are spent inside my home.
This now brings us to the present routine: rehabilitation exercises, video games and completing errands in between mealtimes, a routine sufficient enough to biologically exist, but far from enough to truly live. An existence where life seems to be happening through a TV screen.
It is a long way from crushing a personal best on the track or winning a road race.
Despite these disappointments, I still find myself entertaining the hope of one day getting healthy enough to train competitively again. Kyle Merber said that real runners don’t retire. They just rearrange their priorities.
For now, my priorities are not around setting PRs or winning races. My priorities surround getting healthy again.
Thanks for making it through the introduction. Follow along for updates on my rehabilitation progress.
